Waiting for Sweater Weather

The weather has me believing it’s still summer. We’re swimming through the thick, humid air, sweating as soon as we step out into the 95-degree heat. This isn’t school weather. School weather is when I can wear sweaters and jeans. When the leaves are changing colors and I fall in love with this campus all over again every day.

The weather. That’s what I’m blaming for not being in the proper mindset for school yet.

It’s the end of week two and I’m already exhausted and stressed and, somehow, behind on readings. I took up extra jobs I said I wouldn’t do, back in the spring, when I was gung-ho about having a relaxing final semester.

And here we are.

I’m reminded that school is hard. At least, it is when I’m trying to do well. I used to think it was a piece of cake, but that was when I didn’t care about anything. Now I’m reading and enjoying books by writers I loathed and gave up on two years ago. I’m actually using sticky notes to mark passages I like and want to maybe talk about in class.

That’s another change. Operation: Speak Up is a mini pact I’ve made with a fellow shy person on Twitter. We’ve decided to talk in class, rather than remain passive and silent the whole semester. Here’s the problem: whenever I raise my hand, my heart races, my face turns red, my mind goes blank. I feel like a dense cloud is covering all the words I just had perched on the tip of my tongue. I try to say all the things I wrote eloquently in my notebook in preparation of this moment, but I’ve lost my ability to read, too.

It’s hard. But I’m doing my best. This is my last chance at this whole school thingy and I think I’ve finally got it figured out.

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