The Internet is ruining my life; or, Why I haven’t written in months

During a conference with a professor a few months ago, she gave me a list of movies to watch that were related to my essay topic and I was all, “Nah, man, I don’t really dig movies,” and she was all, ~le gasp!~ “You don’t like films?! But, what on earth do you do with your free time?” and I looked at my shoes, shrugged, and said, “Internet,” Timmy Turner-style.

And she just stared at me like I’m a waste of space (Or like an insect which must be squashed quickly; see what I did there?) before changing the subject and complimenting my sunglasses and giving me a little back pat.

But now here I am, months later, thinking about that awkward student-professor encounter and my abusive relationship with the Internet.

What do I accomplish when I waste away, hunched (well, as hunched as my titanium spine allows) over my MacBaby?

Not much. I mean, I read some tweets from real-life copy editors and learn a ton about language and style and get pee-my-pants excited about those things, but that’s it. The rest of my time is spent stalking every moment of my fake friends’ lives. Because that’s healthy.

But even when I’m without my beloved, life-ruining friend, I don’t do much. I think about the next thing I’m going to tweet or plan out a blog post or think about the emails I’ll have to catch up on.

When my hard drive committed suicide in March, I spent my two and a half days without it sobbing. Or near-sobbing. I cried when I walked out of the Apple store, empty backpacked. If I didn’t have an iPhone, I may have just been curled up in a ball for those painful 60ish hours.

And I can’t even try to say I attempt to not waste so much time.

I’m addicted.

I’ve heard stories about people who go through seriously intense programs to separate themselves from the Internet, and I never thought I’d be one of those people, but I’m pretty sure I am.

Right now, my back is killing me from sitting at my desk all day, but I’m suffering through the throbbing in my shoulder blades because I can’t separate myself.

YIKES.

What a post this has turned into! Epiphanies are great. So I guess I should, ya know, post this and step away from the MacBaby. Immediately. OK. Bye.

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